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Growing
up in church, I have seen and heard some bizarre things. Being a "busy
body" like my mom always said, I was afforded the opportunity to hear and
see what I did not want in a marriage. I walked in on my mom’s conversation
with a friend. Her friend was and still is married to someone who cheated on
her for over 20 years. He not only continually cheated on her, but brought back
a few friends (STDs). There was another lady in my mom's circle whose husband spent
all their money on business ventures. We may not all be in marriages that
extreme, but every wife will have to ask, "Am I Really Supporting My Husband, If I Don’t Agree with Everything He
Does.”
Traditionally,
"For the husband is the head of the wife, even
as Christ is the head of the church (Ephesians 5:23)," has been the
scripture used to remind Christian families that the husband is the head of the
home. There are others who have said in the past, the husband is the head of
the home but the wife is the neck. Then we come the some of the extreme beliefs
that the husband always makes every decision and the wife should agree every
time. In reality the last point is still active in many Christian homes.
This post came from a
personal struggle (like most of my posts) with my husband. I believe the more
authentic we are as women, the easier it will be for us to
have significant dialogue. Our family has faced some extreme changes in
the last three years. These changes led to tense moments I never want to repeat.
Some of these struggles included my husband losing his job due to financial
cuts, the death of my mom who lived with us for a while, a child being
diagnosed with ADHD and a personal business that was failing. During several of
our heated moments my husband mentioned that I was not supportive. I could
never understand what he was saying because I went along with every job
move, business idea and even helped with all his papers while he was in
graduate school.
Over the three years, I learned 3
Things About Being Supportive
1. Ask
I think every husband
will be caught off guard by this question, "How can I be more
supportive?" Asking this question shows that we care about seeing our
husbands succeed. This question helps us focus attention on what really matters
instead of assuming what our husband needs. Assumptions in a marriage have
never lead to a good outcome. After hearing what our husbands need from us
it is always a good idea to write it down and refer to what they need during
times of conflict.
2. Remove Selfishness
and Bargain
Selfishness is lacking
consideration for others. I must admit that this has been my issue for years.
Feeling overwhelmed and taking care of the day-to-day family obligations, left
me feeling less considerate of my husbands feelings. Moving beyond surface
issues and to the root helps eliminate selfishness. This is where bargaining can
become a great asset in marriage. Letting our husbands know that we would love
to be more supportive of their sexual desires, work and business ventures but
need some help around the house, can make a difference.
I usually let my
husband know if he gives our son a bath, then I will have more time to help
edit his graduate school research papers. This usually turns out to be a
win-win for both of us and my husband feels like I have been supportive of his
college endeavors.
3. Know When to Say No
As wives we want to be supportive
but there are certain things that require a "NO!" When my husband's
business started taking away from the household instead of adding to it, I made
the decision to close the business. I was the owner but he was in charge of
running the business. I could not support my kids not having a college savings
because dad wanted to pursue his personal dreams. At times our husbands will
not like when we disagree with their decisions but as a wife and mother who
ultimately has to be a Proverbs 31 wife, we must ensure our husbands feel safe
and have nothing to worry about. This means we must occasionally walk in our
authority as women and say, NO.
As we
prepare for a great week with our spouses, consider the importance of being
supportive and how it can take our marriage from average to excellent. Taking
the time to ask our husbands what is needed, removing selfishness and knowing
when to say no, will help our marriages grow stronger.
