Secret Life of Christian Women: I hate My husband and I Am Unhappy

The thoughts we have as Christian wives and moms are very similar to some of the same thoughts as our friends. I was reminded of this while having lunch with a Christian friend

who said, "Sometimes I wish my husband didn't come home."

Why are so many Christian women struggling in their marriages and why is the divorce rate still high in the Christian community? I do not know all the answers, but I know that we need to do something. If it means me writing a blog so that other women can freely express their fears and pain, then I am happy to do so.

The feminist movement began in the 18th Century but the evidence of the movement started to surface in the 1960s and 1970s when the mass entry of women into the workforce and the Pill changed women's traditional role within the family. Feminists demanded the right to abortion on demand, free childcare provision and equal pay. Many have said that this led to the unhappiness of women.

According to a Huffington Post (2009) article, "since 1972, women's overall level of happiness has dropped, both relative to where they were forty years ago, and relative to men." It goes on to state that by the time women reach age forty-seven, they are, overall, less happy with their life than men, and the trend continues on down from there. More recently, The Austin Institute did a study and found that there are more unhappy married women than unhappy men.

So you are asking what does unhappiness have to do with hating our husbands?  According to a New York Post, it has everything to do with why we hate our husbands. Now, more mothers are breadwinners who still head home to clean, cook, help with homework and have forgettable sex with their husbands. Why would we not be unhappy?

Fox news blames a woman’s unhappiness on taking the lead in marriage. Lou Dobbs stated, “A rise in female breadwinners is "concerning and troubling," suggestive of "society dissolv[ing] around us." There may be numerous reasons for a woman’s unhappiness but blaming the woman does not solve the issues we are facing.

I must admit that my feelings toward my husband are not that different from my friend who wishes her husband did not come home. Every time I discuss my unhappiness with other Christian women, they just say that things will get better and provide me with endless scriptures. Instead of only providing you with scriptures I also want to give you some practical steps that can be taken to improve the way we feel toward our spouses.

• Write down the positive things about your husband on a note card and refer to it every day!

• Pray for him every day! This is something I stopped doing and need to start doing again.    (Philippians 1:6, Psalm 119:73, Psalm 37:23,1 Corinthians 1:3).
• When the time is right, discuss your concerns with your husband (the time is never right when you are having an argument).

• Seek counseling and to be fair to your husband, avoid receiving counseling from your local pastor. Seek out a counselor who is objective. 

If you have other suggestions please share it with us. I look forward to reading your comments. You can find all my link ups for the week here.

Keeping Your Marriage Intact During Pregnancy (Through Prayer and Action)

The news about my second pregnancy came as a surprise to both my husband and I but we became more and more excited as months passed. Now six months in, we are anticipating the arrival of little Anna, but I must admit our marriage has suffered. Why? My erratic behavior, low libido and exhaustion is some of the blame.  Since I am not the first and last one going through this happy and challenging season, I want to share my personal experience and scriptural solutions that encourages me and can help you.

Pregnancy does not give me an excuse to be erratic

 I must admit that this second child has really done a number on me (smile). 

·        All day sickness

·        Gaining over 20 pounds in my first trimester (although I can hardly eat)

·        Restless and sleepless nights

All these side effects to pregnancy has led to a disgruntled husband and many regrets on my part for my behavior.  

Scripture Solution

Sex has become the last thing on my list 

My body has changed for the better with more defined hips and noticeable boobs, which makes my husband even more attracted to me. The thought of sex, I must admit makes me feel sick for some reason and disinterested. I honestly feel the right to avoid sex, because of pregnancy. Is this wrong? God’s answer to me was YES, it is wrong. Why? Because I am being selfish and self-centered and not considerate of my husband’s feelings.

Scripture Solution

Enjoy Pregnancy and ALL It Brings

I have 17 weeks left in my pregnancy and realized I have not been enjoying life. Being caught up in the everyday hassles of life, dealing with an extended morning sickness and working over 60 hours a week caused me to lose focus on what really matters. Many women try to get pregnant and are unable to because of medical challenges and I ignored the blessing God has given to me. Since that realization, I started taking more time for myself, embracing the comments from others about my glowing skin and enjoying being catered too by strangers.

Scripture Solution

Communicate with your husband

Communication to me just means having honest dialogue. I have a tendency to hold everything in and not taking the time to let my husband know exactly how I feel. My introvert approach to conflict has proven to be a disaster. I have learned two things in the last six months:

1.      My husband cannot read my mind (especially now that I’m pregnant)

2.      Avoid using the words “Never” and “always.”

If you are pregnant, now someone who is pregnant or preparing for pregnancy, I hope the information provided in this post, saves you the pain and confusion I encountered. The first five months of pregnancy has been a test of faith but through scriptural help, and inward observations, my marriage is doing much better. I am looking forward to weekly link ups this week.

Scripture Solution

Secret Lives of Christian Women: I Have an ADHD child, Medicate or NOT

After receiving my third call from my toddler’s pre-school in less than a week, I knew at that point something had to be done. My four year old suffers from 1-2 hour tantrums, which have been reoccurring for 6 months. Nothing anyone says or does can calm him down. Trying time outs, breathing techniques and a spanking has not worked. We met with a child psychologist who said my son has signs of ADHD, but medication should not be an option until he is older.

So I asked for my other options and there were two:

     1. Develop a solid behavioral plan (which we already had in place).

     2. Home-schooling

Since we were already using the first option the second option was our last resort. I honestly knew that home-schooling my son would drive me crazy and he would be unhappy due to his daily craving for social interaction. After meeting with my pediatrician one more time and letting him know what the psychologist thought, the pediatrician agreed that medicating may be the best option. Why?

• Excessive and long tantrums
• Hyper-activity that involves only 8-9 hours of sleep a day
• Minimum focus in pre-K

Sooo…. What did I decide?

As much as I wanted to find a quick fix to my toddler’s challenging behavior, there were three things I failed to diligently pursue:

      God Through Pray

In Jeremiah 29:13 the word says, “You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.”

I hate to admit but I was more focused on what the professionals said over the indisputable word of God. Every child and situation is different, seeking God to find out what is best for our family is a must.

2   Research

When I took the time to do research and found out that the ADHD medicine can bring along friends (depression, anxiety and bipolar disorder), my opinion became more skewed. Additionally the loss of appetite and erratic behaviors also led me to second guess my decisions (medicate or not).

3   Peer Feedback

I confided in strangers that I know God placed in front of me at the grocery store and at Chucky Cheese and was provided with hope and honest feedback. One mother said, “The medicine changed my son, without it he would not have made it through 3^rd grade.” The other mom I confided in said, “You must do what is right for our family and medicating was right for us. My son needed it!”

After prayer, research and peer feedback, I have decided to wait on medicine. Why? My son is 4, which means he has the rest of his life to find a balance. In the meantime, food intake, bi-weekly appointments with a psychologist and weekly with his ever soooo patient teacher, will prayerfully get us through the school year.

Please share your thoughts with me on this topic.

Secret Lives of Christian Women: The Holy Spirit “Our Secret Weapon.” (A quick reminder about the function of the Holy Spirit in our lives)

As my frustration continued to rise while attempting to teach my toddler our home address, a gentle voice nudged at my heart to try something different. Instead of asking him, to repeat or write our address the Holy Spirit suggested incorporating fire trucks and police vehicles. Anyone who has ever been in the presence of my 4 year old knows how much he loves the mention of fire trucks and police cars. Playing games involving a toy phone and asking him to dial 911 to let the dispatcher know we need help from the police and fire department, helped him memorize our long and weird street address. 

The Holy Spirit not only helped me with my son but has reminded me about important school and work events along with scriptures I needed to remember during my toughest times.

I always tell my friends that the Holy-Spirit is a Christian’s secret weapon.

Do you ever feel the unction to do something different, say something to a stranger or your close friend facing hard times? It could be that you are being led by the Holy Spirit.

Who is the Holy Spirit?

There is some (maybe a lot of) mystery behind the Holy Spirit but the one thing we all know is that he completes the trinity (Father, Son, and Holy Spirit). Jesus said that he will send us a Comforter, which is the Holy Spirit, who will bring all things to our remembrance (John 14: 16, 26)

1. Shows Grace and Mercy: (Titus 3-5 NIV)

But when the kindness and love of God our Savior appeared, he saved us, not because of righteous things we had done, but because of his mercy. 

2. Teacher and reminder: (John 14:26 NIV)

But the Counselor, the Holy Spirit, whom the Father will send in my name, will teach you all things and will remind you of everything I have said to you.

3, Revealer: (1 Cor. 2: 10-11 NIV)

But God has revealed it to us by his Spirit. The Spirit searches all things, even the deep things of God. For who among men knows the thoughts of a man except the man's spirit within him? In the same way no one knows the thoughts of God except the Spirit of God.

4. Helps in our Weakness: (Romans 8:26 NIV)

In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express.

The next time you are feeling overwhelmed, forgetful and all alone, remember that we have a secret weapon the Holy Spirit.

How do you let the Holy Spirit function in your life? 

Secret Life of Christian Women: What To Do When Life Changes

As I sit at a coffee shop enjoying my hour of silence with my favorite Iced Chia Latte coffee, I reflect on life before having a family. On a Saturday night, I would hang out with my best friend and laugh for hours. Now, time alone is limited and a treat. At times I catch myself complaining about my lack of sleep and heading to Walmart for the third time in one week. During one of my frustrating times I was reminded that this is a day, hour, and season of life that I will never see again. 

Ecclesiastes 3 talks about the different seasons of life. “A time to cry, laugh, die, a time for war and peace, a time to keep and throw away."

 I was having a conversation with one of the elderly women in my church and she said, “We are so busy raising children, that we miss out on the joy of having them.” Wow! Would you agree with what she stated? If no kids are at home, we may miss out on life by wishing we had our kids back home, which is not what God wants us to do.

My mother who is in her mid-60s never recovered when her three children left home. I remembered her saying, “This is all I ever lived for and now I don’t know what to do.” When I speak with her on a weekly basis, she always reminisces on the past instead of the present or her future. I can honestly say, I have been doing the same thing lately. Today I told my neighbor, “I remembered sleeping in until 10 or 12 on Saturdays before having a kid, I am really missing those days.” I could feel the conviction after that conversation.

Are you doing the same things? Wishing for another season? Here are 3 suggestions to help you enjoy the present.

• Laugh more! Psalm 126:2: Then our mouth was filled with laughter, and our tongue with shouts of joy; then they said among the nations, “The Lord has done great things for them."
• Be MINDFUL (present).  Do you ever wonder how you made it to the store, or answered yes to a question? Mindfulness in communication basically means to be fully present in the moment. Are you present?

• Start creating memories in your head and take lots of pictures. At certain times, I stop, breathe and enjoy what my son is doing (I also take a picture). There is something about stopping, breathing, enjoying the moment and taking a picture. I can remember every one of those moments. Try it and let me know if it works for you.

 What to do when life changes? Enjoy it and allow God to receive the glory during good, bad, frustrating and challenging times!

 So……are you living in the Past, Present, or future?  What are you doing NOW to enjoy the present?

Link ups for the Week: Will continue adding throughout the week

@ Soul Survivor

My Husband's NOT the Spiritual Leader, I am

Spending a few days agonizing while praying about this new post led me back to my mission for the year, "Authenticity."

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Last Friday, as I led the morning prayer (like I do every morning), I was  left feeling annoyed and regretful in the decision I made to married a man that views spending time with God as something we are supposed to do, but no one really does.

As he said, "hurry up, make the prayer short," I was even more irritated with the situation. My drive to work was filled with questions for God.

1. Why is my husband not the leader of the home?

2. How can I make him more of a spiritual person?

3. Will the future of our family be affected by his lack of dependence on you?

I really thought God would feel my pain and frustration (and honestly feel sorry for me) instead I felt him say, 

"Why do you think he is not a spiritual leader?"

I started to name the list of things, such as him not praying over the family in the morning and not spending hours a week reading his Bible etc. I went on talking and referred to the scriptures. Specifically:

As I continued talking, a sense of conviction started to come over me. From my decades of walking with God I knew this meant, my thought process was not in line with his thoughts. It took everything for me to do a 180 with my thoughts but I know at this point it was required. I then reflected on the years my husband and I spent together and remembered two things that distinctively stood out to me and confirmed he was not only a follower of Christ but the head of the home. 

1. When my one year old had a seizure.

I was in a bad place watching my 1 year old in the hospital, powerless and listless. At that point my husband gave me a big hug and said, "God will take care of him, He promised.” My son is now doing better than ever despite the bad reports.

He started pre-K yesterday J

2. When I wanted to give up on singing.

I love singing but got tired of the politics and the negativity from others in the body of Christ. My husband stated, "If you feel God doesn't want you to sing any more you can stop, but I feel as though, God is calling you to reach others with your voice."

Since then I have gone on to record 5 songs and now singing around the country (deloracares.com) and leading praise and worship at a church of over 3, 000 members.

After reminiscing on my husband’s past track record, I then asked God to teach me how to help my husband lead and here are the three (3) things:

1.     Encourage him to lead: Instead of praying every morning encourage him to pray every other morning.

2.     Before making life altering decisions (saving, spending, choosing a college fund), ask for his input.

3.     Pray: Pray that God lays on his heart the importance and responsibility of a leader in the home.

Our husband’s may not always lead in the way we want them to but through prayer, God will continue to mold them into the man he created for our households!

Please leave any other suggestions you may have for me and others.

I look forward to linking up this week.

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