Secret Lives of Christian Women: The Loss of a Parent

It has almost been a year since I lost my dear mother and life has never been the same. As a song writer I found a way to express my sorrow through song. If you are dealing with the loss of a parent, friend, child, or family member to cancer, please let this song encourage you like it encourages me.

Secret Lives of Christian Women: I need Help with Accomplishing Goals

Can you believe we are already in July? There are so many things I set out to do this year and I have less than six months to get it done (yikes!!!).

Looking back on 2014 brings tears to my eyes because it was a difficult year for my family, from job loss to losing my mother, left my family bruised but optimistic.  In 2015 the sun started shining again because I welcomed my second child into the world.

My goals for 2015 have not changed:

   
    Complete and self publish my first book.

    Spend more time with my husband

    Spend time pampering myself (spa days, coffee shops etc.)

I know about the importance of setting goals but even more important is accomplishing those goals. Please join me as I refocus on my goals for this year and focus on ways to get them completed. Hopefully some of the tips I learned over the years will be of benefit to you.

Below are excerpts from my soon to be release book on “Goal Setting for The 21^st Century and Beyond.” It will be out later this year, to help us finish the year strong (this is my main goal for the year).


A recent study estimated that 75% of us, will keep New Year’s resolutions for the first month and by July, less than half of the population will stay focused on meeting those goals. Yearly, millions have resolutions which include but are not limited to, losing weight, making more money, eating better and spending time with family and friends. With the average person making the same New Year's resolution at least 10 times (10 years in a row), 2015 needs to be different.  There are many things we can all do to accomplish our goals but the four (4) listed below I believe is the foundation to giving us a powerful start and memorable finish in 2015 as Christian wives and mothers.

Throughout the Bible we read that being good stewards over our time, talents and treasures helps in fulfilling God’s will for our lives (Luke 12:42-46, Proverbs 18:16, Ephesians 5: 15-17). This can only be done by first having self-awareness, writing down specific goals, and optimizing our time.

1. Self-Awareness (Who are you?) - Before focusing on goals this year, let us spend some time figuring out who we really are when no one is looking. Knowing who we are will help in determining what goals to set for 2015. Here are two questions to ask yourself.

a.   What are the patterns in my life?

Patterns are things that happen over and over again in our lives.

For example: Every two years, I make a significant change in my career by landing better paying positions. Knowing this, helps me determine what goals I need to set each year to capitalize on the patterns in my life.

b. Who do I need to remove myself from to focus on accomplishing dreams?

Who do you spend most of your time with (besides yourself)? The success of that person determines how successful you will be in accomplishing goals in 2015. At the age of 17, I made a conscious decision to spend most of my time around individuals aiming for greatness. I encourage you to do the same, starting today.

2. Write It Down! Writing down goals, will give us direction. It also helps us stay focus on what needs to be accomplished on a weekly and monthly basis. Writing down our plans for the year is great but revisiting those goals on a weekly basis is a must. To keep those goals in the forefront of our mind, taping them on the bathroom mirror or computer is a great idea (this is something I do)

3. Make “S.M.A.R.T” (Specific, Measurable, Actionable, Realistic, Time)  Goals

a. Specific: Identify exactly what we want to accomplish.

       General Goal: Save money this year

       Specific Goal: Save $2,000 by December

b. Measurable: This allows us to know if we reach our goals.

Question to ask yourself: How will I know when my dream is accomplished?

c. Actionable: Start goals with an action verb (write, run, finish).

    Example: Finish my book proposal by April 15^th.

d. Realistic: Goals should not only be wishes but things you can feasibly attain.

Unrealistic example: Lose 20 pounds in 1 month (this is unrealistic for most).

Realistic Example: Lose 5 pounds in 1 month and 20 pounds in four months.

e.  Set a Deadline!  Every goal should have a date associated with it because it helps us stay on task.  

Ineffective example: Lose weight sometime in 2015

Effective Example: Lose 30 pounds by December 15^th, 2015

4. Time Management- Are you tired of asking yourself, where did the time go? I am! Everyone has the same amount of time in a day but only a small percentage has mastered making the day work for them instead of letting the day determine what will be accomplished.

Daniel Wiley said, “Too often, we miss out on opportunities in this life because we were too busy waiting for them to fall into our lap that we missed them tapping on our shoulder.”

Here are a few tips to help with managing your time.

1. Prioritize your life: Write down the things you must accomplish for the day (pick up kids from school, meet with new client, complete laundry). If a friend calls that just wants to talk, ignore the phone call (yes, you read it correctly). If they are a real friend, they will understand.

2. Say no: Stop allowing others to run your day. After saying no, don’t feel the need to explain. Just say, “I can’t do it at this time, but will let you know when I can.

3. Limit Technology Use.  Gretchen Rubin states, “Technology is a great servant but a terrible master.” Instead of always replying to e-mails right away or checking social media constantly, spend more time completing tasks that really matter.

The practice of setting goals is a fundamental component of achieving success. With self-awareness, writing down goals, making S.M.A.R.T. decisions and good time management, we can all accomplish great things for Christ as wives and moms in 2015 and beyond.

What are some of your goals for 2015?

I am linking up with http://christianmommyblogger.com along with other bloggers. You can find a full list here 

References:

(2014, January 1). New Years Resolution Statistics. Retrieved from

http://www.statisticbrain.com/new-years-resolution-statistics

Study Backs up Strategy for Achieving Goals. Retrieved from  http://www.dominican.edu/dominicannews/study-backs-up-strategies-for-achieving-goal

Linking to the HOST

Five Minute Fridays

Today is my first time joining Five minute Friday. Kate Motaung (encourages writers to write for five minutes on a specific topic. Today the word is Dream, so hear goes.....

I dream of a day when we can be more authentic with each other especially in the Christian community.

I dream of a day when moms can honestly say they are overwhelmed by the pressures that come with being a wife and mother.

I dream of the day when we can honestly compliment another woman without being jealous.

I dream of a day when we can all "BE REAL."

Secret Life of Christian Women: Overwhelmed by ADD/ADHD Child

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As I dealt with my son’s epic temper tantrum over buckling his seat belt, I asked myself, “why me? Why did you give me such a difficult child?” I must admit that day I was tired of life and exhausted but it was how I felt in that moment.  

If you are reading this blog, more than likely you are struggling through the challenges we face while raising ADD/ADHD kids. There are no definite answers and solutions to ADHD. Having no definite solutions makes the disease difficult to comprehend, especially in the Christian community where ADHD is considered taboo. This blog is to provide you with encouragement through scripture.  There are five scriptures I lean on each week to make it through the day (the name in red is my son’s). I look forward to connecting through our link ups this week.

1.    I praise you because Elijah is fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. Psalms 139: 14

2.     He who began a good work in Elijah will be faithful to complete it.

     Phil 1: 6

3.     “Before I formed Elijah in the womb I knew him, and before Elijah was born I consecrated him; I appointed him a prophet to the nations.”  

    Jer. 1:5

4.     So God created Elijah in his own image, in the image of God he created Elijah. Gen 1: 27

5.     And I will make Elijah a great nation, and I will bless him and make his name great, so that he will be a blessing. Genesis 12:2

Please feel free to share your stories and ways you cope.

There are no definite answers and solutions to ADD/ADHD but together we can support each other through the dark allies and down the lonely roads. 

The Secret Lives of Christian Women: Ideas for Sexual Intercourse During Pregnancy

 As I sit here and write this post, I realize that my sex life has suffered for over ten months. I must admit that having sex has not been my first priority. I have legitimate excuses (at least that is what I keep telling myself).  Now nine months pregnant, I dealt with six months of morning sickness, constant low libido and excruciating pain in my lower extremities. This made having sex complicated in our household.
Is it selfishness on my part? Or is it a lack of patience on my husband's part? I think it could be both but going back to what the bible says in
1 Cor. 7:5, makes it more my fault. The scripture states:



Do not deprive one another, except perhaps by agreement for a limited time, that you may devote yourselves to prayer; but then come together again, so that satan may not tempt you because of your lack of self-control. 


My husband and I never had a discussion, I made a choice for the both of us. Thankfully he has been patient and supportive but I can tell this topic continues to bother him. My husband and I are not alone in this struggle. According to a Mother of Life Article, one of the couples interviewed about sex during pregnancy were honest and stated they did not have sex in a year.  According to a research done by The Journal for Sexual Medicine, Over 41% of women felt less attractive while over 70% of men still found their wives to be attractive. This caused sexual tension during the 9 months and beyond of pregnancy. Do you think the root of it all is because pregnant moms feel unattractive? I know this is true for me, but there is also another root to the problem that has little to do with the wife but more to do with the husband. 
In my first and second trimester, my husband was really attracted to me, although my low libido prevailed. Now in my third-trimester he has no desire to have sex. After doing some research I realized that many husbands feel the same way when their wives are pregnant. There were 3 main reasons why they were no longer interested in sex:

1. Harming the Baby
2. Lack of attraction
3. Financial stress

Three (3) Ideas For Dealing With Sexual Intercourse During Pregnancy

 1. Find Pleasure in Other Ways: Not every Christian believes in oral sex but there are many who do. Pleasing your husband orally may be a good option. 

2.  Think Outside The Box: Focus on other ways to be intimate through emotional (heart to heart discussions), spiritual (time in the word together and discussing struggles and improvements as it pertains to spiritual intimacy) and recreation ( enjoying activities together)

3. Agree on Something: Every family dynamic is different especially during pregnancy. Find out what both you and your spouse plan to do throughout the different stages of pregnancy and stick to the plan. Having a plan reduces arguments and unnecessary tension in the home. 


If you have suggestions to add please feel free to share. Bringing new life into the world is a blessing but we must find ways to remember our husbands during the process. 


  I look forward to connecting with everyone this week as we link up

The Secret Lives of Christian Women: How to Be A Supportive Spouse

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Growing up in church, I have seen and heard some bizarre things. Being a "busy body" like my mom always said, I was afforded the opportunity to hear and see what I did not want in a marriage. I walked in on my mom’s conversation with a friend. Her friend was and still is married to someone who cheated on her for over 20 years. He not only continually cheated on her, but brought back a few friends (STDs). There was another lady in my mom's circle whose husband spent all their money on business ventures. We may not all be in marriages that extreme, but every wife will have to ask, "Am I Really Supporting My Husband, If I Don’t Agree with Everything He Does.”

Traditionally, "For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church (Ephesians 5:23)," has been the scripture used to remind Christian families that the husband is the head of the home. There are others who have said in the past, the husband is the head of the home but the wife is the neck. Then we come the some of the extreme beliefs that the husband always makes every decision and the wife should agree every time. In reality the last point is still active in many Christian homes.

This post came from a personal struggle (like most of my posts) with my husband. I believe the more authentic we are as women, the easier it will be for us to have significant dialogue. Our family has faced some extreme changes in the last three years. These changes led to tense moments I never want to repeat. Some of these struggles included my husband losing his job due to financial cuts, the death of my mom who lived with us for a while, a child being diagnosed with ADHD and a personal business that was failing. During several of our heated moments my husband mentioned that I was not supportive. I could never understand what he was saying because I went along with every job move, business idea and even helped with all his papers while he was in graduate school. 

Over the three years, I learned 3 Things About Being Supportive

1. Ask

I think every husband will be caught off guard by this question, "How can I be more supportive?" Asking this question shows that we care about seeing our husbands succeed. This question helps us focus attention on what really matters instead of assuming what our husband needs. Assumptions in a marriage have never lead to a good outcome. After hearing what our husbands need from us it is always a good idea to write it down and refer to what they need during times of conflict. 

2. Remove Selfishness and Bargain

Selfishness is lacking consideration for others. I must admit that this has been my issue for years. Feeling overwhelmed and taking care of the day-to-day family obligations, left me feeling less considerate of my husbands feelings. Moving beyond surface issues and to the root helps eliminate selfishness. This is where bargaining can become a great asset in marriage. Letting our husbands know that we would love to be more supportive of their sexual desires, work and business ventures but need some help around the house, can make a difference.

I usually let my husband know if he gives our son a bath, then I will have more time to help edit his graduate school research papers. This usually turns out to be a win-win for both of us and my husband feels like I have been supportive of his college endeavors.

3. Know When to Say No

As wives we want to be supportive but there are certain things that require a "NO!" When my husband's business started taking away from the household instead of adding to it, I made the decision to close the business. I was the owner but he was in charge of running the business. I could not support my kids not having a college savings because dad wanted to pursue his personal dreams. At times our husbands will not like when we disagree with their decisions but as a wife and mother who ultimately has to be a Proverbs 31 wife, we must ensure our husbands feel safe and have nothing to worry about. This means we must occasionally walk in our authority as women and say, NO.

As we prepare for a great week with our spouses, consider the importance of being supportive and how it can take our marriage from average to excellent. Taking the time to ask our husbands what is needed, removing selfishness and knowing when to say no, will help our marriages grow stronger.